While I’m very happily married now, I was, at one time, a single lady. I’d like to share with you a few of the men who weren’t quite hubby-material.
1. The Tuba Player
I was a shameless online dater. Being an introvert with no time on my hands made this a handy way to meet the boys. (So glad I’m past that time in my life!) The Tuba player seemed nice when we talked, he no exes to whom he paid child support, was going to school and he wasn’t really into the club/bar scene. He told me he played the tuba, which, I guess is… unique. We decided to meet for coffee. The man showed up late, with a white Hanes undershirt on, only, he seemed to have forgotten the over shirt part of his outfit. TIP: Don’t wear undershirts on a first date, especially when they have day-old BBQ sauce stains on them. I’m no skinny bee-ach, but this guy LOOKED like a Tuba. I told him at the end of the date that, while he was really nice, it just wasn’t going to happen for us. Nope. Nothing there. Goodbye and good luck. I told him that every time he called for the next month, too. “Hello? Oh, it’s you. Still nothing, I’m sorry.” I finally resorted to swapping cell phones with my mom for a few weeks. It took multiple calls to what she told him was a wrong number to finally get rid of him.
2. The Shoulder Licker
Feeling brave (Or maybe it was buzzed) at a baseball game, with encouragement from my friend P, I approached a nice-looking man a few rows in front of us. Mostly being silly (Or drunk…) I told him the bar we’d be hitting up after the game, he took my number and I returned to my seat next to P and we giggled for a while, then forgot the whole thing. The Shoulder Licker later got in touch to find out where I was (not at the bar). P opted not to join me on my impromptu date, but checked to make sure I made it there okay, and made me promise to check in again shortly. The Shoulder Licker bought me a beer and we started talking, he was very interesting, polite and funny (Or I could have been drunk). Then he kissed me. (Shamefully admitting that I was not only an online dater, but a total kissing slut also) I was totally down for a little tonsil hockey, what I wasn’t prepared for was the long, slobbery licks on my shoulder. If you’re thinking this was romantic kisses down the neck, get that out of your head. It was like making out with my dog. I don’t even want to think about that. Ew. As if that was going to get him somewhere, he put his hand a little too far up my thigh. I did what any girl would do. I slapped him and I left. P and I had a grand ol’ time laughing at that one for a while.
3. The Swing Dancer
Another shameless online connection. The Swing Dancer was a perfect combination of charming and silly when we talked. We met up at a bar to play pool, and he actually seemed to have potential, which was more than I could say for anyone else I’d met thus far. I agreed to a second date where we went, yes, Swing Dancing. Being terribly clumsy, this was not perhaps the best activity for me. There were no sparks, but he was not nauseating to be around. Afterwards, we went back to his place to watch a movie (I do in fact mean watch a movie, and only that). This was where I decided he was not marriage material. “His place” was his parents’ basement. TIP: No one wants to meet your mommy and daddy on a second date. He finally, after agonizing over his collection of EVERY SINGLE DISNEY MOVIE MADE, chose the (actually, pretty cute) animation, “Happy Feet” as our feature presentation. We descended into the basement, where, when he turned on the lights, I was surrounded by glass encased shelves filled with porcelain dolls. I hoped, I prayed they were his mother’s. They were not. I couldn’t run away, Lady Fromage is sometimes too polite for her own good. I did, however shoot him down when he began praising himself for his “kissing and massage skills”. Um. Nope. Play with your dolls, honey, I’m outta here.
4. The Reds Fan
My mom set me up with the Reds Fan. He was, oddly enough, her boss (Her much younger boss). He was single, I was single, he was well educated and polite and she thought we might like each other since we were both big baseball fans. The Reds Fan brought flowers when he picked me up for a Saturday Rockies game against Cincinnati. My mom really dropped the ball when she failed to inquire about was what team he liked. Some people take politics seriously, or religion, my thing is baseball. If you don’t like my team, I don’t like you. The Reds Fan was, well, a Reds fan. We spent the entire afternoon cheering for opposing teams, and not in a friendly banter way, this was as serious as open heart surgery. We both knew that our loyalties would never allow us to be together, but we finished the date over pizza and a beer. All of his stories at supper revolved around alcohol, each one ended with “But I’m really not a lush or anything,” My mom later informed me that he was arrested for drunk driving, his license was revoked and he was sent to jail. The best part of that date? The Rockies won.
I consider myself the luckiest lady in the world to be married to LT Fromage, who is a good dresser, a great kisser, has never collected any porcelain dolls (In his parents basement or otherwise) and above all, likes the right baseball team.