We’re all friends here, right? I feel like I can share this story with you. As you'll see, I shared much more with many I knew much less.
I get a certain area of my body waxed. I won’t tell you which area I’m talking about, but I’m sure you can use your imagination (I’ll give you a hint – it’s not my under arms).
Before I begin my story you must know that I am a cheapskate. Also, at that time in my life, I was broke, making money saving a must, not a hobby. I found an aesthetician school that would wax off my unwanted hair for, get this, twenty bucks, which was significantly less than the $80 (plus tip) I was paying elsewhere.
Of course I made an appointment right away. Duh. (Who's said that in the last 10 years?)
Normally, this sort of thing takes, oh, twenty or thirty minutes. I allowed an hour, since it would be a supervised student instead of a pro. But a little extra time was no big deal; I was saving $60+!
Boy, were they happy to see me come in the door! As I signed in, this question was proposed:
“We don’t get a lot of people requesting this particular treatment…. Would you mind if we were to let a few students observe?”
My answer should have been H3LL no. But, caught off guard, I sort of, well, said yes! As long as my ______ (fill in the blank) was on display anyway, might as well make it a learning experience!
As it turns out, it’s pretty awkward for your lady bits to be discussed in detail to a room of a dozen students (oops, I gave it away!). Also, the process will take a minimum of two hours, and will hurt worse than a blow torch up your @$$. They weren’t kidding when they told me those students didn’t get much practice down there. I could tell.
Basically, I cried in pain for the longest 120 minutes of my life in front of a dozen barely-out-of-high schoolers who poked, prodded and inspected my nether region. All to save a few bucks.
Lesson learned: Sometimes, it’s worth spending the extra money. In this case, I’m pretty sure they should have paid me. Isn’t that normally how it works when you want to see someone else’s bits and pieces?
Oh wow... how horrific. Ouch!
ReplyDeleteI laughed until my "lady bits" were damp. I wish you'd had video--of the students' faces--not your nether regions, please! There HAVE to be better ways to save money. Ah, ha, ha...!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh. I remember the first time I got my butt crack waxed - I'm fairly positive I had no dignity left. Although, at least it was an actual professional. The first time I got it done, I went to a beauty college.... never again.
ReplyDeleteThat absolutly made the "don't do this again" list. Some things are worth the money, fo' sho'!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh girl, the horror and pain! I can barely have my eyebrows waxed without shedding a tear or two.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what you went through!!
I have a story for you. Its not my story... Its just almost as good as your story.
ReplyDelete(If I find it, I'll post it here... If not, well, then sorry for being a tease.)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
ReplyDeleteMy night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: The Bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a Genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So, I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out..must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...
Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
ReplyDeleteMy LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!!
*Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo - hoo?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going t o need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts..
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...
I regularly get my lip waxed (the one on my face) and you two have made me absolutely positive that I don't ever want to try getting anything else waxed.
ReplyDeleteBut you pain is hilarious, and yes, some things are definitely worth the money it takes to get them done well.
The only things I will wax are above my neck. Sorry, but no. No. NO.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, I still say 'duh' frequently. Don't hate.
Oh ouch! As if I needed a reason not to wax my girly bits. I did use Nair once. When it didn't remove all the hair I wanted, I did it again, not knowing that you're not supposed to apply it a second time in one night. So, yea, don't do that.
ReplyDelete