Something in the Water?

There must be something going around because now instead of just one unplanned litter of rodents, we have 3 litters and one more on the way, bringing our current rat/mouse tally to a whopping 40. Yes. 40.

It’s as if every time I enter my office, my once place of solitude, someone else is nursing new babies. Thank God Petco already took back “Bianca” who turned out to be “Brian” and they’ll soon be receiving all of his offspring (the moment they’re weaned). Homes are being lined up for some of the 22 baby rats and I’m fairly confident that we have now separated our sexes. God, I hope so.

Apologies for the lack of funny/snarky/embarrassing posts as of late; I’m still adjusting to being geographically single. Which, for those of you who haven’t done it, means random breakdowns (usually somewhere inconvenient, like the grocery store, where you realize I’m only shopping for one now), crying at all the wrong times and showering becomes the most monumental thing I accomplish some days. Sounds fun, right? On the bright side, I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t feel like it and cheese and crackers can constitute a meal if I don’t want to cook, so there are some perks. Plus “deployed LT Fromage” (There is a regular and deployed version of every Military husband) is even more thoughtful than usual (and he was already so sweet he could make your teeth hurt), so I’ve been getting romantic cards in the mail, flowers delivered and heartfelt messages on my facebook wall every time I log on. Best of all, with the man around the house gone, I know I won’t catch this baby bug that seems to have hit all the other female residents of the Fromage Palace!

Only… Eff. I don’t even want to think about how much more we have left to go on this deployment. Thank God for girls’ nights and tequila in the meantime.

Congratulations to....

Mrs. Fowler, from The Fowlers! Congratulations on winning the travel mug! :) Enjoy your red chai! (Sounds yummy!)

Remember...

Today is the last day to enter the giveaway! Be sure to leave a comment here before tomorrow when the winner is announced!

I'm going to end up on Hoarders....

I won’t go so far as to say the “single life” suits me, but I’m setting in. Although we didn’t appreciate it at the time, LT Fromage and I have done more than our share of the long distance thing, and what we learned then is paying off now.

Know what I’ve been staying busy with? Lots and lots of rats. 30 rats, to be exact.

Yes. 30.

Two of our “boys” developed babies instead of balls. Lesson learned: Use google to sex your own rats, never trust the pet store employees. Ever.

Out of character, it was I who came to terms with the fact that some of our grandbabies may end up snake food (there are only so many people out there looking for pet rats, but no shortage of hungry reptiles). Not to be cold hearted, but everyone has to eat, and frankly, I don’t have enough names for all those kids.

No hate mail, please. You don’t have to worry, no one is going to end up snake food; LT Fromage shut that down faster than I could finish suggesting it. “Try to find them homes,” he said before he left, “but any you can’t, we’re keeping.” Easy for him to say, he’s not the one cleaning cages every 48 hours!

Maybe next month the giveaway prize will be a itty-bitty Fromage… just kidding…. Maybe….

*seriously, if you want one, I’m willing to travel to deliver them. The first 11 will be ready the first week of March and the next 11 about 4 weeks later.

**I already picked up next month’s goodie anyway. Be sure to keep an eye out for it!

***Be sure to enter this month’s giveaway before the 23^rd, you can leave your comment here!

And the Killer is....

LT Fromage is finally in the ‘stan. Please keep him and his boys in your thoughts and prayers.

Since my newfound “singleness” has ensued, I’ve been watching a lot of TV, Investigation Discovery to be precise. It’s amazing to me how detectives can find the smallest bits of trace evidence, a hair here, a bit of fiber there, and convict a killer.

They’d better not ever have to come to my house. All they’ll find is dog hair. Or cat hair. Or dust.

Seriously? Who’s house/car/clothes are so clean that a single finger print is useable? Uhm, not mine!

Tech Savvy

I did it. I bought an Iphone. Only because my best NSAW friend has one and can skype her deployed husband with one of her… apps. (Oh no, I said it… I’m becoming one of them!). Come to find out, where LT Fromage will be stationed we won’t be able to do that. D@MN. At least I can play Farmville from my phone now anyway.

I promise I’m not going to become a video blogger, but I do want to share this Best Buy commercial (you may have seen it if you watched the Super Bowl... which I didn't), because it’s hella funny and to be frank, even as the owner of a few bits of new technology (we also recently purchased a new camera and lap top! This deployment preparation is getting pricy!), I’m still not sure what exactly a G is…. Or a Beiber, for that matter ;-)

Enjoy!




(Hey, Best Buy, do I get any kind of, ehm, you know, hook up, for this advertising? Huh? Hook a girl up!)

Another Giveaway

Ladies, we all know it’s not shopping if you buy 10 items or less, and I found this neato-retro travel mug that says just that!

It’s so cute I thought I just might keep it for myself, but worry not, I’m giving it away!

All you have to do to enter is leave a comment on this post telling me what your favorite warm drink is!

(I’d fill it with hot “Awake” tea with vanilla creamer… but don’t worry, I won’t.)

You have until February 22nd to enter! I'll announce the winner on the 23rd!

Anti Love Letters

I know, I know, it’s Valentines day, the day of love and hearts and chocolate, but I thought I’d take a different approach, let my bitterness out and write some letters to those I don’t love…

Dear Fellow Drivers,

F you all. Use your blinkers, for God’s sake! Go the speed limit and pick one lane, you can’t just drive down the middle. I’m glad you seem to be out for a leisurely road trip, but some of us have places to be and you’re making us late. Go to H3LL (Except little old men. They are exempt)

Lots of love,

Lady Fromage

Dear People of Walmart,

True, Walmart is not the classiest place eva, but put on some real clothes and get off your phone. I don’t need to see your crack and hear all about your hookup while I’m buying eggs, kay? Also, this is not a playground, keep your freakin’ spawn under control.

Thanks.

Lady Fromage

To The Popular Kids in High School,

Ha! Maybe you were a big fish in a little pond then, but now you’re married to a guy named after an ice cream, had your wedding in horse SH!T and got fat. Me? I’m doing great and happy in my 4 bedroom house with my successful husband. Who’s the cool kid now, bee-aches?

Lots of love!

Lady Fromage

Get Ready For This...

The other night I finally watched the PBS special “POV – A Family Undertaking”

The title was uber confusing because “POV” lead me to believe this would be about personally owned vehicles, however in a non military world I suppose it could also stand for point of view. I also had no idea what this family would be undertaking. Turns out it was about DIY funerals and at home death. Right up my alley.

I’ve got a kind of weird fascination with death.

Anyway.

If you did everything the documentary depicted, you’d leave the body in your home for up to 4 days. They explained what to expect from the corpse (such as the jaw muscles loosening, causing the mouth to open, how to keep the eyes closed, etc). Then, you’d burry them (or cremate, as one family did), much discussion surrounded burial containers.

I’m not so sure LT Fromage, if left behind, would be down with keeping me around a few extra days. I’m ok with that, but I’m in love with the idea of bypassing the formaldehyde embalming and expensive caskets, letting bodies go back to a natural state instead of preserving them as long as possible underground (why?). That part is doable.

I’ve never wanted a big deal made out of my death. If people want to gather, spend money and say nice things, I’d totally rather it be while I’m alive, thanks. I’d always wanted to donate my organs, be cremated and let everyone go on. I do totally want a headstone though, a simple one under a tree. I just love cemeteries, especially the little ones tucked off by themselves, where there are no “visiting hours” and rules about flowers.

After watching that documentary I think I’ll have my organs given away but do the natural thing after that. Minus the part about being left in the house for days. A little unconventional, yes, but it my old death plan was to donate my body to a body farm (Wikipedia that one!).

Awkward….

“Honey, you have that glow, you know, like you should get pregnant.”
“If you get pregnant, we could have our babies at the same time.”
“Married a year already? Married 2 months, pregnant with my daughter.”
“25? You better hurry up! Don’t wait so long like me!”

At least no one has told me I look pregnant.

Here’s the deal, I really do want kids. I just don’t want them right now! I don’t know why all the women at my work are so concerned with me having some Little Fromages! More concerning than them poking their noses into when we’re having kids, is when they start discussing the process of makin’ those babies…

I got cornered in my office recently by a coworker who asked….

“How old are you? 25? Oh, man, believe me, the sex just keeps getting better from here! Wait ‘til you’re like 28… See me then, we’ll talk!”

I hope to God I’m not still working here with you in 3 years, and if I am, I’m not going to chit chatting in the break room with you about hitting the sheets.

I was at a loss for words when a lady who comes in regularly asked about my knee (I’ve got a bum one on the right and keep it taped), I told her it was same old, same old and she leaned in and whispered this…

“Honey, you got a boyfriend or a husband?....You should tell him you can’t be on top! That’s what I would do!”

Uhm…Thanks, for all that, but I’m pretty sure LT Fromage and I have it under control by ourselves, thanks.

Not awkward at all….

A List Making Mood

In no particular order, I give you “Things That Scare the Crap Out of Me”

Most are strange. Many are funny. All are true.

Blisters
Spilled drinks
Gun shots
Public speaking
Goats
Earthworms
Being lifted up
Water deeper than my height of 5’6”
Fish
Being heard vomiting
Being overheard trimming my nails
School Busses
Airports
Exorcism movies
Loud noises
Driving in traffic
Using the last of the water in the cooler and having to change the bottle
Being locked in a closets
Spiders
Needing to make a turn while a pedestrian is present at the intersection
Lying awake
Crowds
Getting lost
Unfamiliar environments
Answering the door
Answering the phone
Opening unknown mail
Small Talk
Sneezing
Yawning
Being overheard using the bathroom
Waking up on the sofa

The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round

I don’t like public transportation. I grew up in a town of 112, so, as you can imagine, there wasn’t much need for taxis and such. Even after growing up and moving away, I never did hop on a bus, hail a cab or set foot on a subway. The longer I went without trying it, the more frightening the idea became. Then, when I was 23, newly engaged to LT Fromage and spending New Year’s Eve with my friend, Pat, I did it. I rode the light rail. Not because I wanted to, but because Pat lived near the station and we opted to avoid traffic and possible DUIs. When it came down to actually using public transportation, I decided I would have preferred risking the DUI.

I hate crowds. I hate not being in control. Droves of people crammed into a fast-moving bus-train thing that stops, well, who knows where it stops! certainly not when I want it to stop, and heaven forbid I have to actually change busses…. What the eff was I thinking? Of course, the boys thought it was a wonderfully funny game to “forget” what stop we needed to get off, or what route we would take to get home. Thanks, fellas.

After the night out, there were tens of thousands of people waiting to get back on the light rail. Why? I sure didn’t want back on! But we waited. A little drunk and among more people than I’d ever seen in my life, a fight broke out right beside us. The boys thought it was exciting. I found myself sitting on the wet, dirty curb, rocking and covering my ears until it was over.

Yes. Totally sitting on the curb, covered with vomit, gum, dirt. Eyes squeezed shut, plugging my ears and rocking back and forth.

I don’t do well in crowds. I don’t do well when I’m not in control. I don't do well on busses.

Eff public transportation.

Ready, Set, GO!

It's finally time for LT Fromage to deploy. Before the month is out, he'll be gone for a long year. Forgive my lack of specifics, but as always, safety first (Check out Sara's blog for more into on OPSEC).

It's hard to belive it's finally here, but we've known all along it was coming; I like to trust that we're well prepared, but ready or not, here we go!

Wish us luck and please keep LT Fromage (Who will be Captain Fromage before I see him again!) in your thoughts or prayers. Whether you support this war or not, do remember that the men and women fighting for our freedom are husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, siblings and children to someone out there. This one is mine :)

Public Service Announcement

Another Poop Post

You know those once-in-a-lifetime dogs? The ones you never forget, and you're only lucky enough to have once? Satchel was that dog; sadly we had to put him to sleep just over a year ago. We still talk about him often in the Fromage household, usually in the context of picking on our current dogs, Erika and Buford, requesting that they be more like their predecessor. (For instance, Saturday morning, when I went downstairs to find trash strewn about, “Why can’t you guys just be more like Satchel? He didn’t pull this kind of $H!T!”)


It’s hard to narrow down the best thing about Satchel. Was it his wrinkly face that one could smoosh into utter cuteness? His ability to be so loving and gentle with everyone, puppies, babies and strangers, but ready to tear someone’s face off if they messed with his mamma ? Was it because he could be trusted with the run of the house and not get into trouble? The ever so gentle way he took food from your hand, using his lips so not to accidently nibble a finger? Was it his seeming ability to understand exactly what you were saying to him?

Those things were all wonderful, but the thing we miss most about Satchel? His pooping.


Yes, his pooping.

Satchel loved to poop and we loved how excited he was after he pooped. We think this stemmed from his younger days when we were housetraining. Since I was in an apartment at that time and had no yard, I was right there with Satchel, on the other end of the leash every single time he successfully pooped outside and boy would we celebrate when he did! Treats! Jumping! Exclaiming “Hooray! Satchel! Hooray! Good job, boy!”! I’m sure all of the other residents in the complex thought I was nuts, but it worked. He was housetrained in record time and the sense of pride and accomplishment he felt after pooping stayed with him for years to come. Even as an adult dog, then limited to the use of only 3 legs, he would finish his business and take off into a full sprint! Wagging, running and celebrating! (Although, Erika was trained the same way, but does not derive the same joy from this activity...)

We could watch him in the back yard, running until he met the fence, and on walks LT Fromage would take the leash and as Satchel finished, the boys would together run for blocks as I cleaned up what had warranted such excitement.

Satchel’s favorite place to poop was Home Depot.


About a year after Satchel came along, I bought a house. Home owners spend a lot of time at Home Depot, which happens to be dog friendly (perhaps no longer, after Satchel left his mark…).

Satchel often joined me running errands on weekends.


I always made him potty before we left the house. Really, I tried to prevent it.


As soon as we entered the store, Satchel scouted for the perfect place to poop; a long, empty aisle. The moment I became distracted he would hunch over…

Then he would run! A big, brown, wrinkly, 3-legged dog flailing about on the end of his leash (Or sometimes, if he was lucky, slipping out of his collar to dash up and down the aisles) as I bagged the pile he was so proud of.

Every. Single. Time.

They must have come to know us at that Home Depot. “Here comes that girl and her crazy dog… Get the hose out, boys…”

We miss you, Satch. See you on the other side. I hope they have Home Depot in heaven.

Little Old Men

I can’t wait to get old. It’s going to be great sitting in our rocking chairs talking about the good old days, watching our grandkids play… Sure, that’s gonna be fun and all, but the real reason I’m so excited? I can’t wait for LT Fromage to get old.

I love little old men. Every time I see one, with socks pulled up high, shorts and a fanny pack and long hairs growing out of his ears, I just want to grab them and hug! I think they’re darling, those little old guys. I can’t wait to have one of my very own!

And LT Fromage thought he had to watch out for me swooning over movie stars and singers… not unless we’re talking Clooney and McCartney!

Was That So Hard?

I had to go to the ER last weekend and when they sent me home, they instructed me to make a follow up appointment with my primary care provider.

I’m not sure which is suckier, the emergency room or my primary care provider. Probably the latter.

First no one would pick up the phone, then when I tried the other, “secret number “, I was put on hold for 15 minutes before I hung up. On my third try, my call was picked up but the gal was too busy talking to the employee next to her to actually answer my call (but now I know all about how her date went…).

When I finally got through, this is how the conversation went:

“How can I help you?”

(Wanted to say “duh….This is the “Make An Appointment” line, right?” but what I actually said was…)
“I need to make an appointment with Dr. So-and-So for tomorrow please.”

“Okay… we can get you in on Thursday at 10.”

(Ooook. Tomorrow isn’t Thursday. Let’s try again…)
“Ok, well, can I see someone else then? I need to get in tomorrow.”

“We aren’t making appointments for tomorrow. If you want to come in tomorrow, you’ll need to call tomorrow.”

WTF?

(Someone needs to explain the purpose of making an appointment)
“Ok. I don’t understand. Do you have any appointments with anyone tomorrow? Anyone?”

“We aren’t making appointments today for tomorrow. We’re only scheduling acute appointments* for tomorrow today.”

*(“Acute appointment” – code word. Even if they’re booked solid for weeks, just say this phrase and you’ll get in faster than you can drive there!)

“Ok. Can I have an acute appointment please? For tomorrow? I don’t even care who with.”
(I almost offered my first born child, but stopped myself because I may need that bargaining tool later)

“Ok, let’s see… I can get you in with Dr. So-and-So at 1, will that work?”

“YES! YES!”

My original choice of doctor? On the day I wanted? Even the time I preferred? Can it be true? What’s the catch…

“Ok, well we have you down for 1pm with Dr. So-and-So, we’ll see you then. Just be sure to watch your phone in case we have to cancel or reschedule you since it might snow tomorrow and we may delay everything, or he may not even come in… Thanks have a great day. Click.”

FML. Everyone still want government run healthcare?