Introducing...

Kurt Nolan Fromage

Born 11:59:58, August 31, 2012. Just barely in time, but he made it on the blue moon, which Grandma Acorn was thrilled about.

I’m not going to bore you with the entire birth story, because the thing took 19 hours, I pushed a 10 pound baby out of my vajayjay and if we’re being honest here, the whole thing made seriously rethink the idea of doing this again in a couple years (I may or may not have tried to schedule a tube-tie procedure before even leaving the delivery room). I’ll just share some of the low points…. Er….highlights:

Baby Fromage was in no rush to be born (Despite the fact that he was already the size of a middle school student) so I ended up with the max dose of Pitocin, which made for some pretty intense contractions; they wouldn’t have been so bad if my epidural didn’t wear off… twice. I got pumped with something to take the edge off while the epidural was adjusted, but I don’t respond well to pain meds, and apparently neither does Little Man, because his heart rate dropped, I was put on oxygen and proceeded to throw up (ever puked with tubes up your nose?). I got yet another dose of drugs for the nausea and promptly fell asleep.

Yes, you read that right. I fell asleep.

Dude, I’d been laboring for some 16-17 hours, the last thing I’d eaten was a half bowl of Raisin Bran at 5AM and I’d had a dose of every drug in the hospital. Thankfully, the epidural must have been wearing off again because I did wake up for each and every contraction, just long enough to push. I don’t recall, but apparently I was convinced Daddy Fromage knew something I didn’t because he claims I kept asking him, “How many more (pushes)?”

I have no idea how many pushes it actually took (but it was enough to take 2 hours), but we did finally have a baby. A giant baby, with a full head of hair on a perfectly shaped head and not a typical baby wrinkle in sight. Oh yeah, he was also purple.

He’s absolutely A-O-K now, so I’m keeping this light, but D@MN, it was the most helpless, horrifying moment of my life. I can’t even begin to express how terrifying it was to deliver a baby who wouldn’t breathe and had to be whisked away to the NICU (for more than an hour) while I just laid there, entirely unable to do a thing to help him, no one could tell me he’d be alright. I’m pretty sure it brought on some gray hairs, but I’ve been too busy changing diapers to look in the mirror yet.

So in the early morning hours of the first of September, I finally got to spend some time with my son (My heart swells up typing that… MY SON!). Guys, he’s perfect. I may be a little tiny bit biased, but he may be the most handsome baby evah. He’s got my giant feet and detached earlobes, he sneezes in twos just like his daddy and he’s had us both wrapped around his tiny little finger from the moment we saw him.

Speaking of fingers…

People Whose Eyes I Want to Poke Out With My Middle Fingers –

The nurse who let me labor for 19 hours, drenched in sweat with a wet towel draped over me as Daddy Fromage rubbed ice on my forehead and with mere minutes left of the ordeal, asked if I’d like her to turn the air on, since the room was a tad warm. Lucky for her, my legs were numb and there was a baby dangling from my lady parts, or I’d have jumped up and clawed her face off.

Whoever made the rule that ice chips are ok, but water in liquid form will cause certain death, any form of food is also out of the question. I started to wonder what was worse: labor, or hunger/thirst. I wish I was kidding, but in the last moments, the only thing that kept me going was telling myself “Once you push him out, you can have a Gatorade and a meal!”

My doctor who, almost as if it was funny, told me “If we’d known he was going to be so big, I’d have induced you back at 38 weeks!” and later added that if he’d been just 50 grams bigger, she’d have given me the option of C-section. Bee-ach, shouldn’t you have done some kind of grown scan to check this $H!T beforehand? Thank God Daddy Fromage and I had to schedule the induction because of this upcoming knee surgery, because if little man had been allowed to incubate another week or 2, he’d have come out large enough to be a starter on the high school football team.

All of the pregnancy aches and pains, the hellavuh labor, the sleepless nights and countless dirty diapers… totally worth it. Being a mom is freakin’ amazing!